Most Days

The robot, I'm learning, is my only protection. But my robotic facade is weak. Emotion, lust, and hunger take over. The porcelain face of perfection is ripped away, and beneath it lies a demon of sex and blood. I let down my guard for one moment, and suddenly I'm throwing away everything that is decent in my life.

Most days, I don't think I'm a very good person. Most days, I think it's all my fault.

My body and my deranged sense of this world have gone and ruined another friendship. Several friendships. It has ripped apart a family, and destroyed everything in its path. I am left standing in a field of smoldering ash, The world flattened around me. And I am alone. Why do I always sabotage the things that are good? Why do I always hurt the ones I care about?

Why don't I let those whose fault it really is take the blame? As rotten as I am, I was hurt the most. I was the one left crying, vulnerable, alone.

But I forget. I'm only good for my body. Only good for one thing. After that, thrown out with the garbage. Some lame excuse. Some phony story. Why do I let this keep happening to me?

Most days, I know it's my fault. I know how to lure in a catch. But once caught, I know naught what to do but remove the hook from their mouth and set them free in the water again. I never taste cooked fish. I never even get sushi. I feel their slimy, slippery bodies and then i let them go again, my mouth watering as I watch them swim away.

Least this last trip fishing has shown me that I can, in fact, care about someone again. To like. To Like in a way that could turn into love. That's what made watching this fish swim away the hardest. Because I let myself like. I let myself care. But somewhere, there is a hint of hope. I can find that like again. Maybe one day, I wont have to watch the fish swim away.

Where is the robot when I need her?