Judges, Friends, and Second Thoughts

Seems like my judge of character is broken.
I don't know what has made social interactions so much more complicated in college, but sometimes, I find myself almost missing the petty drama that came with high school. It was much easier to understand, much easier to cope with, and extremely easy to ignore.

Now, I find myself surrounded by people I don't understand. Suddenly, I've lost my senses--I can no longer tell whose sincere, and whose faking it. Everyone could have an alterior motive for their actions, and its hard to tell which motive is driving those actions anymore. Doesn't help the fact that I seem to be excellent at pushing away the people who are sincere in exchange for those who aren't. Maybe it's subconscious self destruction. Maybe some high power is out to get me.

I probably sound like some socially-inept nerd. I'm not denying that description; as much as I would like to, I suppose I probably am. But I've always had friends, and I've never had so much trouble figuring people out. My perspective is out of focus. I don't even know who I am anymore. That makes judging character all the more difficult. I don't have a starting point, my own moral character, to compare to.

So, in the middle of this self identity earthquake, I end up grabbing thin air to hold on to. Everything is being uprooted, turned over, shook off, broken. How am I supposed to know whats good or bad, right or wrong, sincere or fake, when everything is in pieces? And now I sound like a melodrama-queen. Again, I'm not denying that description either. Lately though, I've been battling huge second thoughts, and even larger insecurities. What if I'm no good at this? what if this isn't what I'm supposed to do in life? Why am I being forced to decide so much so quickly? Who said I was ready to be a grown-up? Am I the only one who feels this way? Sometimes, it all seems like too much.

I know I should suck it up and deal. All in all, my life is pretty damn swell. Loving family, impeccable grades (not to toot my own horn, as they say), decent scholarship, etc. Really, I have no reason to complain at all. Sometimes, we create our own problems, and maybe that's what I'm doing. But I've never had to make decisions that have meant so much before. The weight of that responsibility is killer, and I'm not used to it yet. In the gravity of all these choices, it's hard to have an unfaltering confidence.