Clockwork Hearts and the Lump Under My Rug

I am not a victim.

We don't like to admit the bad things. Sweep it under the rug and kick it in the head when it starts to squirm. Pretend like nothing happened. One in four knew the perpetrator before hand. I try to pretend I'm stronger than I really am. You'd be amazed how much you can hide behind straight A's and a smile. When you flinch, blame it on something simple, harmless.

You can't hide your problems under the mat forever. Eventually, when you're not looking they spring up and scare you. It's hard to act like nothing is wrong when your heart is exploding on the inside. Fight it, push it down, back under the rug you go. Thunk.

Its funny how its the little things that shove your heart into your throat. Its funny how something so foreign reminds you of the lump under the rug. I didn't know her, our experiences were completely different. But out of the corner of my eye I see the lump stirring.

And then you're afraid. Avoid it until the fear turns into a dull ache. Then, pretend like you don't feel it. I am a survivor. Keep the same routine; robot around like nothing is the matter. Robots don't cry. Robots have laser beams, they aren't afraid of shit.

As my heart turns to clockwork, and my eyes glow red from the inside, life seems bearable again. I keep giving my heart away, and I keep getting it back in pieces. This time, I didn't get it back at all. Clockwork hearts feel no pain. Wind them up, watch them tick. Clockwork hearts don't love.

Robot me watches the lump under the rug. It stirs, wishing, waiting, wanting to come out to play. Just because you said yes, didn't mean it was what you wanted. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. Sometimes, bad things happen to good people.

My clockwork heart is winding down. With the lump under the rug scooting to find an escape, why wind it back up?

The Girl Inside My Head

I've never been the kind of person to care what other people think. I've never needed anyone to give me a self-confidence boost. I think I'm pretty. I know I'm a good person, I know I'm a good friend. I know I get straight A's. I've accepted the poor choices I've made. I've come to terms with the bad person I can be if I want to.

But when you give your heart to someone, trust them, love them, and they let you down, then what? When someone you love so completely tells you that you're worthless, its harder to listen to the girl inside your own head. I worry. I know what I am. But what if no one else can see it?

I'm naturally a shy person. If you live inside a shell, no one can poke at your soft pink insides. I'm the clam no one can pry open. Sure, once I get to know you, and trust you, the girl inside my head lets the real me out to play.

Maybe I shouldn't put up a barrier. Maybe I'd be a lot more popular. Maybe I'd have a lot more friends. But, maybe (and most likely), I'd have less. The people who know me know I can be a brash, down to earth person. Sometimes, I'm a splash of cold water to the face. I'm not going to warm anything up before I serve it to you. I tell the truth, even if its hard to hear.

I like to pretend the brick wall I've put up around myself is for other people's protection. But I know the alligator infested moat I've dug is simply to protect myself. I've been hurt enough in the past. When you're left for dead it's either fight for survival or give up. I survived. Again and again. How much more can I take?

The girl inside my head tells me I'm worth it. She knows that the wall I put myself behind is for my own good, she doesn't blame me for it. The girl inside my head thinks that he didn't know what he had, and that he's kicking himself for loosing me. She knows I'm amazing. She knows I'm a good person. She tells me I didn't do anything wrong. Most of all, she knows I deserved to be loved loyally.

I just wish my doubts, fears, and my past didn't drown that girl out.