Worthy

Sometimes, I don't know what I'm worth anymore. I work hard. I work my ass off for my grades. I don't have a whole lot of friends, but the one's I do have are amazing. I make straight A's, always. Sometimes, that doesn't seem to be worth a whole lot.

Everything thats ever happened to me makes me want to believe I've been a shitty girlfriend. I've been told I'm not worth anything but sex. And those that don't say it out loud, scream it with their actions. Most recently, I wasn't worth the work of a long distance relationship. Without sex, I wasn't worth working for. So he cheated. So he left me. So he started dating someone local.

What am I worth? I guess I'm smart. But I work harder for my good grades than a lot of other people do. Maybe I'm not smart. Although I've been told many a time otherwise, I believe I'm pretty. A medium 5'4", and an average 125-130 pounds. I'm a natural blonde, and I particularly like my green eyes. Maybe I'm not a babe, but I'm no hag either. I don't flaunt my body, or wear slutty clothes. But I don't hide it under a burlap sack. I don't want attention because of my body. I want attention because I'm pretty, intelligent, funny. Is it too much to ask a guy to like me for me?

Sometimes I can't believe whats happened to me. If I think about it too much, I don't know why I get out of beds in the mornings. What spurs me to keep going? I haven't got any motivation left. I'm doing everything for other people. Because doing things for me doesn't seem worth it. Why am I worth it? I'm not. College is for my parents, my family. Getting up in the mornings is for my friends. I've got nothing left for me. But maybe that's simply because I don't believe I deserve it.

Crazy Ideas

So, I've decided that when my life hits a turn for the worse, I find ways to start completely over. To cope, I find something drastic, something crazy to do. Its how I get over things.

I'm considering joining the army. Or, at the very least, joining ROTC until i finish college. It could get me scholarship money. I'd have to pledge four years of service though, but I'd be an officer. They have programs that will pay for my masters as well.

Joining the military is something I never thought I would do. It's not something I ever thought I would even consider. But now, the more I think about it, the more appealing it is.

No one else in my family has or will serve. My dad had a medical exemption from being drafted, and my little brother also, would be medically exempt. I'm the only one in the family eligible to serve. The patriotic thing to do would be for me to represent my country and honor my family.

I don't know what to do. I want to talk to someone, but I have no idea who. I'm not scheduled to see a counselor for two weeks, and there's no one I can talk to. No one who would understand, who would listen.

I can't take any more abuse here. I've dealt with enough, and I'm sick of it. I'm tired of trying to be strong. I'm tired of trying to pretend like everything is okay all the time. Everything isn't okay. I'm falling apart on the inside.

Drown the World in Noise

My head and my heart are colliding, chaotic
Pace of the world
I just wish I could stop it
Try to appear like I've got it together
falling apart

There are places i'll remember all my life though some have changed some forever not for better....

Dont carry the world upon your shoulders.
Some have gone and some remain all these places have their moments....

For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool by making his world a little colder.

He wasn't a child, And all the people hurried fast, real fast, And no one ever smiled.

Little darling, i feel that ice is slowly melting. little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear....

I want you to notice
When Im not around
Youre so fuckin special
I wish I was special....

Sometimes I fear that I might dissapear
In the blur of fast forward I faulter again
Forgetting to breathe, I need to sleep
getting nowhere

I'll tell a story, paint you a picture from my past.
I was so happy, but joy in this life seldom lasts.....

The anger swells in my guts and I won't feel these slices and cuts.....

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret cause each broken heart will eventually mend

there may still be others but i like to pretend
that I'm the one you really want to grow old with

As the blood runs red down the needle and thread.....

And then he climbed my tower, and off of the edge of me he ran.....

But Im a creep, Im a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I dont belong here.....

All that I've missed I see in the reflection
Passed me while I wasn't paying attention
Tired of rushing, racing and running
falling apart

Someday you will be loved

will i ever come first? the universe contracts decide

Let me have it all, let me have a battle on, Easy target
Look can we just, just get it over with.
It's getting worse, against all the odds, It's getting worse.

He wasn't a child
And all the people hurried fast, real fast
And no one ever smiled

Would you please take me away from this place
I cannot bear to see the look upon your faces
And if there is some kind of god do you think he's pleased?

The noise of the world is getting me caught up
Chasing the clock and I wish I could stop it
Just need to breathe, somebody please
Slow me down

Do you mind if I sit here down by your graveside
And rest for a while in the warm summer sun
I've been walking all day, and I'm nearly done

I am. . .

I am NOT:

Someone to take for granted.
Someone you can use and then loose.
The girl who gives up.
The girl who sits on the sidelines.
Someone you forget easily.
a victim.

I AM:

Hot.
quiet, but fun.
sometimes afraid of things.
a survivor.

I have:

a hot body.
a good head on my shoulders.
my dignity.

I Deserve:

The best.
To be loved.
To know the truth.

This is Me

Some call you a survivor. Some call you a victim.
I've owned a lot of names. Strong, ugly, beautiful, nerd, bitch, smart, funny, quiet. It makes it hard to figure out who you really are.

I'm not self conscious. I like my body. I'm not fond of my ears, but who doesn't have a quirk they don't like? I've never been popular. I've never had a lot of friends. The friends I have though are the greatest. I don't feel guilty grabbing two slices of pizza when the girl next to me orders a salad. I'm not afraid to tell people what I think. My diplomacy switch is usually turned off. If I have something to say to you, I'm gonna say it, and not behind your back. I'm straightforward, and I don't care if you don't like me.

People say they envy my strength. I don't think I'm strong really, just good at hiding my weakness. I have my collection of masks. I can hide behind a smile when I need to. Show a lion your weakness, and that's where he bites first. I'm no limping gazelle.

I feel like I've admitted defeat. People tell me all I need is a little help. Not everyone can stand on their own forever. The Walk to the counseling center was the hardest walk of my life. I was being crushed. Who knew it would be so terrifying.

I've been afraid for a long time.

I broke down. Flat out bawling. This shouldn't be so hard. I've had my time to deal with my problems. Its not my fault things keep happening to make them surface. Normally I'd be able to survive on my own. But when life comes crashing down around you, trying to be strong and hold the sky up at the same time is impossible. I'm no titan. Atlas would be so ashamed.

Sometimes, we shouldn't be asked to hold up the world on our own.