When you build yourself a house of cards, don't be sad when it falls down. No matter how beautiful it is, eventually a breeze comes by and the whole thing topples. I know all of this. But still, I hide behind spade walls, peek through heart windows. My facade is paper thin and precariously balanced. And that's not to mention the elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about. He's a temperamental elephant at that. One little slip up and that elephant charges in a rage. That elephant is what made my house of cards fall down.
My house of cards, our house, was nice. We could pretend like nothing was wrong. Like playing "house" as a kid, I never let them see the disappointment I felt when I didn't get to play the role I wanted. I was always the one who got to play the bad guy, or the role no one else wanted to do. This time was no different. Without promised commitment, I shouldn't have to play any other role than "friend." But it always felt like something more. But I just suck it up and deal. Easier to play the bad parts than to sit on the swings by yourself, and watch as all the other kids go about playing their game without you.
So I waited in my unfair, painful limbo. Until something slipped and that temperamental elephant charged. Suddenly, months of pent up anger and hurt came flooding back in. I could no longer just sit there with a smile on and pretend like nothing was wrong. So, I acted. And this time, I think it may have actually worked. I shouldn't have to play the shitty parts if I don't want to. That's not fair to me.
And so, Here we are. I'm scared to death of what is going to happen next. Things finally seem to be going my way, but who knows? I'm not ready to trust again, as much as I wish I could. I worry, that I've picked the wrong thing. I don't know if I can survive getting hurt like that again. It seems impossible.
Even though I may not be trusting yet, I have put all of my faith in the hands of one person. I believe good things about his character, and about his heart. I just hope I'm not wrong. Because if this house of cards falls down again, I'll be crushed underneath trampling elephant feet. Those cards will cut through my already bleeding heart.
At least, for now, the elephant is at ease.
