Finally, a breath of fresh air. This break has been long needed, long deserved. Yet, instead of relaxing and enjoying things, I find myself screaming to get out. This new found free time has given me the time to stop and think about what is going on in the real world, in my life. And it is terrifying. More than anything, it makes me want to never get out of bed again. There's something to be said about keeping a constant pace. Once you've slowed down to rest, it feels impossible to get started again.
I have lost all my momentum. I've lost all my motivation. When my personal life and my spiritual life is in complete shambles, what is there to get me going again? Staying busy is the only way I can keep any semblance of sanity. Because by staying busy, I am able to outrun my problems. Push everything bothersome to the back of my mind and focus on the task at hand. So now, with nothing to do, all those problems have come flooding back. And I don't seem to know how to handle them.
Things that shouldn't bother me still do. I don't know why I can't seem to get over the past. It's probably me. There are some things I still hold on to. It's to the point now I think I'm ruined. I don't know how to love. Or even like. The robot is back, and she's come with a vengeance. I have no passion, no desire, not even a feeble crush. Physically, I can find a happy medium. I enjoy being embraced by strong arms, enjoy being doted over. Enjoy a romp between the sheets. But On the emotional side? I have completely shut off. I feel nothing for anyone. I get absolutely no joy from seeing anyone at all. Even friends. Hermitage seems like a very appealing option at this point. Because human contact is a chore. Smiling, listening, engaging, interacting. It's all just too much to deal with right now.
Time for another falling off the planet episode. I need some time in peace. Maybe some solitude will help reboot the emotional center in my brain, because right now, it has fizzled out.
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