You know, the worst thing about getting a break, is when it ends. This last week was the longest time I've had to myself since paramedic school started. I haven't even had a real weekend in months; I get moments, hours if I'm lucky, but more than a day? Forget it. I sold my soul to the devil, and he keeps me on my toes.
Six days off, and I've done my darnedest to make sure I wasn't the least bit productive. Now, of course, I am dreading going back tomorrow. While this break was a much needed relief, it has also entirely halted my motivation to do anything scholastic. Least we're on the home stretch. But I'm barely passing by the skin of my teeth as it is; how am I going to succeed when I can't seem to get up the gumption to crack a book anymore?
This semester has been one of the most challenging semesters to date. I just keeping hoping that sometime soon I'll hit bottom. At least then I'll know I can't fall any farther. But I don't think this sink hole has a bottom. This break has been a sigh of relief. A safety net has caught me momentarily, but those ropes are breaking one by one, and tomorrow it's back to school, life, stress.
For now, it's off to bed. In the morning, I'll wake up falling yet again.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
The Biggest Obstacle
Tomorrow is the First day of paramedic school.
The next year of my life is sealed in school and clinicals and an internship. It's pretty damn terrifying if you ask me. I'm still full of doubts and insecurities. What if I'm no good at this? What if this isn't what I'm meant to do?
Not that I believe in fate. I really believe you can do anything you put your mind to, within reason. While teleporting and mind reading might be out of the question (for now...), your own mind is the hardest obstacle to overcome. The problem is, I haven't quite overcome mine yet. While I am confident in my skills, it's been a long time since I've put them to practice, and never with so much responsibility tacked on top.
I'm one of the youngest student in my class. If I get my license, I'll be one of the youngest paramedics in the state. Sometimes, I wonder if all the extra work I've done to get ahead was really worth it. Now that I've made it here, what if I'm not ready?
At least I've had some pretty kick ass back up. Everyone tells me I'll do fine. And I really hope they are right. When I'm freaking out, I've always had someone there to pick up the pieces of my panic explosions. I've got to get my nerves under control, or I will end up killing someone on the job.
While i'm no insecure ninny, I've never been the outgoing, overconfident kind of girl either. I don't seek ego boosts. While it bothers me when other people dislike me, I'm not all that concerned about what other people think. I just wish I could believe more in myself.
They say that you are your biggest critic. Hopefully, the critic in me doesn't slow me down.
The next year of my life is sealed in school and clinicals and an internship. It's pretty damn terrifying if you ask me. I'm still full of doubts and insecurities. What if I'm no good at this? What if this isn't what I'm meant to do?
Not that I believe in fate. I really believe you can do anything you put your mind to, within reason. While teleporting and mind reading might be out of the question (for now...), your own mind is the hardest obstacle to overcome. The problem is, I haven't quite overcome mine yet. While I am confident in my skills, it's been a long time since I've put them to practice, and never with so much responsibility tacked on top.
I'm one of the youngest student in my class. If I get my license, I'll be one of the youngest paramedics in the state. Sometimes, I wonder if all the extra work I've done to get ahead was really worth it. Now that I've made it here, what if I'm not ready?
At least I've had some pretty kick ass back up. Everyone tells me I'll do fine. And I really hope they are right. When I'm freaking out, I've always had someone there to pick up the pieces of my panic explosions. I've got to get my nerves under control, or I will end up killing someone on the job.
While i'm no insecure ninny, I've never been the outgoing, overconfident kind of girl either. I don't seek ego boosts. While it bothers me when other people dislike me, I'm not all that concerned about what other people think. I just wish I could believe more in myself.
They say that you are your biggest critic. Hopefully, the critic in me doesn't slow me down.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Judges, Friends, and Second Thoughts
Seems like my judge of character is broken.
I don't know what has made social interactions so much more complicated in college, but sometimes, I find myself almost missing the petty drama that came with high school. It was much easier to understand, much easier to cope with, and extremely easy to ignore.
Now, I find myself surrounded by people I don't understand. Suddenly, I've lost my senses--I can no longer tell whose sincere, and whose faking it. Everyone could have an alterior motive for their actions, and its hard to tell which motive is driving those actions anymore. Doesn't help the fact that I seem to be excellent at pushing away the people who are sincere in exchange for those who aren't. Maybe it's subconscious self destruction. Maybe some high power is out to get me.
I probably sound like some socially-inept nerd. I'm not denying that description; as much as I would like to, I suppose I probably am. But I've always had friends, and I've never had so much trouble figuring people out. My perspective is out of focus. I don't even know who I am anymore. That makes judging character all the more difficult. I don't have a starting point, my own moral character, to compare to.
So, in the middle of this self identity earthquake, I end up grabbing thin air to hold on to. Everything is being uprooted, turned over, shook off, broken. How am I supposed to know whats good or bad, right or wrong, sincere or fake, when everything is in pieces? And now I sound like a melodrama-queen. Again, I'm not denying that description either. Lately though, I've been battling huge second thoughts, and even larger insecurities. What if I'm no good at this? what if this isn't what I'm supposed to do in life? Why am I being forced to decide so much so quickly? Who said I was ready to be a grown-up? Am I the only one who feels this way? Sometimes, it all seems like too much.
I know I should suck it up and deal. All in all, my life is pretty damn swell. Loving family, impeccable grades (not to toot my own horn, as they say), decent scholarship, etc. Really, I have no reason to complain at all. Sometimes, we create our own problems, and maybe that's what I'm doing. But I've never had to make decisions that have meant so much before. The weight of that responsibility is killer, and I'm not used to it yet. In the gravity of all these choices, it's hard to have an unfaltering confidence.
I don't know what has made social interactions so much more complicated in college, but sometimes, I find myself almost missing the petty drama that came with high school. It was much easier to understand, much easier to cope with, and extremely easy to ignore.
Now, I find myself surrounded by people I don't understand. Suddenly, I've lost my senses--I can no longer tell whose sincere, and whose faking it. Everyone could have an alterior motive for their actions, and its hard to tell which motive is driving those actions anymore. Doesn't help the fact that I seem to be excellent at pushing away the people who are sincere in exchange for those who aren't. Maybe it's subconscious self destruction. Maybe some high power is out to get me.
I probably sound like some socially-inept nerd. I'm not denying that description; as much as I would like to, I suppose I probably am. But I've always had friends, and I've never had so much trouble figuring people out. My perspective is out of focus. I don't even know who I am anymore. That makes judging character all the more difficult. I don't have a starting point, my own moral character, to compare to.
So, in the middle of this self identity earthquake, I end up grabbing thin air to hold on to. Everything is being uprooted, turned over, shook off, broken. How am I supposed to know whats good or bad, right or wrong, sincere or fake, when everything is in pieces? And now I sound like a melodrama-queen. Again, I'm not denying that description either. Lately though, I've been battling huge second thoughts, and even larger insecurities. What if I'm no good at this? what if this isn't what I'm supposed to do in life? Why am I being forced to decide so much so quickly? Who said I was ready to be a grown-up? Am I the only one who feels this way? Sometimes, it all seems like too much.
I know I should suck it up and deal. All in all, my life is pretty damn swell. Loving family, impeccable grades (not to toot my own horn, as they say), decent scholarship, etc. Really, I have no reason to complain at all. Sometimes, we create our own problems, and maybe that's what I'm doing. But I've never had to make decisions that have meant so much before. The weight of that responsibility is killer, and I'm not used to it yet. In the gravity of all these choices, it's hard to have an unfaltering confidence.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
The Most Terrifying Thing
Remember what I said about life throwing curve-balls? Well, it looks like life's pitching arm has healed, after an all-too-short time on the bench. With college, and trying to manage what little social life I have left, sometimes those curve-balls have to smack me in the head before I notice them. This time, fortunately, I've gotten a little warning.
I'm not going to go into the nitty-gritty details, but it looks like a series of unfortunate events is happening all over again. Hopefully, it is nothing. I'm not one to go ballistic prematurely. But I am worried.
Just when I thought 2010 was looking up, something has to come and put life back into it's dismal proportions. My acceptance to paramedic school, my regrowing of long distance friendships, my successes in my summer classes, and my ever growing summer plans with friends; that euphoria can be sucked away in an instant, and it has. That, I had forgotten. At least life keeps things in proportion. Just when I start taking things for granted, life makes sure to splash me with a cold hit of reality.
They say to count your blessings. But sometimes, I count the curve-ball inflicted knots on my head. I know that sounds negative. And I try not to be pessimistic. But all too often we forget how temporary everything in our lives can be. You never know when things will change, or go away forever. And that, is the most terrifying thing of all.
I'm not going to go into the nitty-gritty details, but it looks like a series of unfortunate events is happening all over again. Hopefully, it is nothing. I'm not one to go ballistic prematurely. But I am worried.
Just when I thought 2010 was looking up, something has to come and put life back into it's dismal proportions. My acceptance to paramedic school, my regrowing of long distance friendships, my successes in my summer classes, and my ever growing summer plans with friends; that euphoria can be sucked away in an instant, and it has. That, I had forgotten. At least life keeps things in proportion. Just when I start taking things for granted, life makes sure to splash me with a cold hit of reality.
They say to count your blessings. But sometimes, I count the curve-ball inflicted knots on my head. I know that sounds negative. And I try not to be pessimistic. But all too often we forget how temporary everything in our lives can be. You never know when things will change, or go away forever. And that, is the most terrifying thing of all.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
College and Curveballs
And sometimes, things look up.
As 2010 nears its halfway point, I find myself breathing a sigh of relief. The light at the end of the tunnel has finally appeared. While these next six months will be hard, at least there is a foreseeable conclusion to all the madness. But it raises the question: what will 2011 bring?
But even now, some days, I can get up in the morning, and if not happy, I feel more at peace.
The horror of being in college is the impatience. The anxiety that tomorrow isn't coming quickly enough. We want to be adults, start careers, move on. College is that transition state, between pimply high-schooler and the grumbling businessman. And that transition isn't always a pleasant one. Full of uncomfortable situations, more responsibility than is healthy, and much more stress than is really necessary. Being suddenly asked to map out your future is a new level of daunting. Pick a major in something you like, but make sure it will be lucrative! Sometimes, there's no happy medium. But in the end, it all seems to work out. At least for some of us.
I'm not going to lie to you; the rest of 2010 seems more than mildly distressing. Summer classes, followed by medic school I'm not sure I'm quite ready for. All the while missing people I probably should forget, but know I never will. College is excellent at taking you out of your comfort zone and thrusting you into disagreeable situations. It wouldn't be so bad, accept that life likes to throw its own curveballs too. Here's hoping, one or the other will decide to give me a break. If only for a while.
Overall, I have good feelings for 2011. Graduating medic school (here's hoping), making new friends, regrowing old relationships. Its gonna be a whirlwind of a ride. Hopefully, the waters calm down. Because I could do for a time of smooth sailing. Nevertheless, I have a good feeling.
But who knows. Six months is a long time. And I'll have to survive a portion of 2011 too, before the forecast predicts sunny skies. A lot of things can happen between now and then. The hardest part, is not knowing what those things could be.
As 2010 nears its halfway point, I find myself breathing a sigh of relief. The light at the end of the tunnel has finally appeared. While these next six months will be hard, at least there is a foreseeable conclusion to all the madness. But it raises the question: what will 2011 bring?
But even now, some days, I can get up in the morning, and if not happy, I feel more at peace.
The horror of being in college is the impatience. The anxiety that tomorrow isn't coming quickly enough. We want to be adults, start careers, move on. College is that transition state, between pimply high-schooler and the grumbling businessman. And that transition isn't always a pleasant one. Full of uncomfortable situations, more responsibility than is healthy, and much more stress than is really necessary. Being suddenly asked to map out your future is a new level of daunting. Pick a major in something you like, but make sure it will be lucrative! Sometimes, there's no happy medium. But in the end, it all seems to work out. At least for some of us.
I'm not going to lie to you; the rest of 2010 seems more than mildly distressing. Summer classes, followed by medic school I'm not sure I'm quite ready for. All the while missing people I probably should forget, but know I never will. College is excellent at taking you out of your comfort zone and thrusting you into disagreeable situations. It wouldn't be so bad, accept that life likes to throw its own curveballs too. Here's hoping, one or the other will decide to give me a break. If only for a while.
Overall, I have good feelings for 2011. Graduating medic school (here's hoping), making new friends, regrowing old relationships. Its gonna be a whirlwind of a ride. Hopefully, the waters calm down. Because I could do for a time of smooth sailing. Nevertheless, I have a good feeling.
But who knows. Six months is a long time. And I'll have to survive a portion of 2011 too, before the forecast predicts sunny skies. A lot of things can happen between now and then. The hardest part, is not knowing what those things could be.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
House of Cards and Temperamental Elephants
When you build yourself a house of cards, don't be sad when it falls down. No matter how beautiful it is, eventually a breeze comes by and the whole thing topples. I know all of this. But still, I hide behind spade walls, peek through heart windows. My facade is paper thin and precariously balanced. And that's not to mention the elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about. He's a temperamental elephant at that. One little slip up and that elephant charges in a rage. That elephant is what made my house of cards fall down.
My house of cards, our house, was nice. We could pretend like nothing was wrong. Like playing "house" as a kid, I never let them see the disappointment I felt when I didn't get to play the role I wanted. I was always the one who got to play the bad guy, or the role no one else wanted to do. This time was no different. Without promised commitment, I shouldn't have to play any other role than "friend." But it always felt like something more. But I just suck it up and deal. Easier to play the bad parts than to sit on the swings by yourself, and watch as all the other kids go about playing their game without you.
So I waited in my unfair, painful limbo. Until something slipped and that temperamental elephant charged. Suddenly, months of pent up anger and hurt came flooding back in. I could no longer just sit there with a smile on and pretend like nothing was wrong. So, I acted. And this time, I think it may have actually worked. I shouldn't have to play the shitty parts if I don't want to. That's not fair to me.
And so, Here we are. I'm scared to death of what is going to happen next. Things finally seem to be going my way, but who knows? I'm not ready to trust again, as much as I wish I could. I worry, that I've picked the wrong thing. I don't know if I can survive getting hurt like that again. It seems impossible.
Even though I may not be trusting yet, I have put all of my faith in the hands of one person. I believe good things about his character, and about his heart. I just hope I'm not wrong. Because if this house of cards falls down again, I'll be crushed underneath trampling elephant feet. Those cards will cut through my already bleeding heart.
At least, for now, the elephant is at ease.
My house of cards, our house, was nice. We could pretend like nothing was wrong. Like playing "house" as a kid, I never let them see the disappointment I felt when I didn't get to play the role I wanted. I was always the one who got to play the bad guy, or the role no one else wanted to do. This time was no different. Without promised commitment, I shouldn't have to play any other role than "friend." But it always felt like something more. But I just suck it up and deal. Easier to play the bad parts than to sit on the swings by yourself, and watch as all the other kids go about playing their game without you.
So I waited in my unfair, painful limbo. Until something slipped and that temperamental elephant charged. Suddenly, months of pent up anger and hurt came flooding back in. I could no longer just sit there with a smile on and pretend like nothing was wrong. So, I acted. And this time, I think it may have actually worked. I shouldn't have to play the shitty parts if I don't want to. That's not fair to me.
And so, Here we are. I'm scared to death of what is going to happen next. Things finally seem to be going my way, but who knows? I'm not ready to trust again, as much as I wish I could. I worry, that I've picked the wrong thing. I don't know if I can survive getting hurt like that again. It seems impossible.
Even though I may not be trusting yet, I have put all of my faith in the hands of one person. I believe good things about his character, and about his heart. I just hope I'm not wrong. Because if this house of cards falls down again, I'll be crushed underneath trampling elephant feet. Those cards will cut through my already bleeding heart.
At least, for now, the elephant is at ease.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Clockwork Hearts and the Lump Under My Rug
I am not a victim.
We don't like to admit the bad things. Sweep it under the rug and kick it in the head when it starts to squirm. Pretend like nothing happened. One in four knew the perpetrator before hand. I try to pretend I'm stronger than I really am. You'd be amazed how much you can hide behind straight A's and a smile. When you flinch, blame it on something simple, harmless.
You can't hide your problems under the mat forever. Eventually, when you're not looking they spring up and scare you. It's hard to act like nothing is wrong when your heart is exploding on the inside. Fight it, push it down, back under the rug you go. Thunk.
Its funny how its the little things that shove your heart into your throat. Its funny how something so foreign reminds you of the lump under the rug. I didn't know her, our experiences were completely different. But out of the corner of my eye I see the lump stirring.
And then you're afraid. Avoid it until the fear turns into a dull ache. Then, pretend like you don't feel it. I am a survivor. Keep the same routine; robot around like nothing is the matter. Robots don't cry. Robots have laser beams, they aren't afraid of shit.
As my heart turns to clockwork, and my eyes glow red from the inside, life seems bearable again. I keep giving my heart away, and I keep getting it back in pieces. This time, I didn't get it back at all. Clockwork hearts feel no pain. Wind them up, watch them tick. Clockwork hearts don't love.
Robot me watches the lump under the rug. It stirs, wishing, waiting, wanting to come out to play. Just because you said yes, didn't mean it was what you wanted. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. Sometimes, bad things happen to good people.
My clockwork heart is winding down. With the lump under the rug scooting to find an escape, why wind it back up?
We don't like to admit the bad things. Sweep it under the rug and kick it in the head when it starts to squirm. Pretend like nothing happened. One in four knew the perpetrator before hand. I try to pretend I'm stronger than I really am. You'd be amazed how much you can hide behind straight A's and a smile. When you flinch, blame it on something simple, harmless.
You can't hide your problems under the mat forever. Eventually, when you're not looking they spring up and scare you. It's hard to act like nothing is wrong when your heart is exploding on the inside. Fight it, push it down, back under the rug you go. Thunk.
Its funny how its the little things that shove your heart into your throat. Its funny how something so foreign reminds you of the lump under the rug. I didn't know her, our experiences were completely different. But out of the corner of my eye I see the lump stirring.
And then you're afraid. Avoid it until the fear turns into a dull ache. Then, pretend like you don't feel it. I am a survivor. Keep the same routine; robot around like nothing is the matter. Robots don't cry. Robots have laser beams, they aren't afraid of shit.
As my heart turns to clockwork, and my eyes glow red from the inside, life seems bearable again. I keep giving my heart away, and I keep getting it back in pieces. This time, I didn't get it back at all. Clockwork hearts feel no pain. Wind them up, watch them tick. Clockwork hearts don't love.
Robot me watches the lump under the rug. It stirs, wishing, waiting, wanting to come out to play. Just because you said yes, didn't mean it was what you wanted. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. Sometimes, bad things happen to good people.
My clockwork heart is winding down. With the lump under the rug scooting to find an escape, why wind it back up?
Monday, March 1, 2010
The Girl Inside My Head
I've never been the kind of person to care what other people think. I've never needed anyone to give me a self-confidence boost. I think I'm pretty. I know I'm a good person, I know I'm a good friend. I know I get straight A's. I've accepted the poor choices I've made. I've come to terms with the bad person I can be if I want to.
But when you give your heart to someone, trust them, love them, and they let you down, then what? When someone you love so completely tells you that you're worthless, its harder to listen to the girl inside your own head. I worry. I know what I am. But what if no one else can see it?
I'm naturally a shy person. If you live inside a shell, no one can poke at your soft pink insides. I'm the clam no one can pry open. Sure, once I get to know you, and trust you, the girl inside my head lets the real me out to play.
Maybe I shouldn't put up a barrier. Maybe I'd be a lot more popular. Maybe I'd have a lot more friends. But, maybe (and most likely), I'd have less. The people who know me know I can be a brash, down to earth person. Sometimes, I'm a splash of cold water to the face. I'm not going to warm anything up before I serve it to you. I tell the truth, even if its hard to hear.
I like to pretend the brick wall I've put up around myself is for other people's protection. But I know the alligator infested moat I've dug is simply to protect myself. I've been hurt enough in the past. When you're left for dead it's either fight for survival or give up. I survived. Again and again. How much more can I take?
The girl inside my head tells me I'm worth it. She knows that the wall I put myself behind is for my own good, she doesn't blame me for it. The girl inside my head thinks that he didn't know what he had, and that he's kicking himself for loosing me. She knows I'm amazing. She knows I'm a good person. She tells me I didn't do anything wrong. Most of all, she knows I deserved to be loved loyally.
I just wish my doubts, fears, and my past didn't drown that girl out.
But when you give your heart to someone, trust them, love them, and they let you down, then what? When someone you love so completely tells you that you're worthless, its harder to listen to the girl inside your own head. I worry. I know what I am. But what if no one else can see it?
I'm naturally a shy person. If you live inside a shell, no one can poke at your soft pink insides. I'm the clam no one can pry open. Sure, once I get to know you, and trust you, the girl inside my head lets the real me out to play.
Maybe I shouldn't put up a barrier. Maybe I'd be a lot more popular. Maybe I'd have a lot more friends. But, maybe (and most likely), I'd have less. The people who know me know I can be a brash, down to earth person. Sometimes, I'm a splash of cold water to the face. I'm not going to warm anything up before I serve it to you. I tell the truth, even if its hard to hear.
I like to pretend the brick wall I've put up around myself is for other people's protection. But I know the alligator infested moat I've dug is simply to protect myself. I've been hurt enough in the past. When you're left for dead it's either fight for survival or give up. I survived. Again and again. How much more can I take?
The girl inside my head tells me I'm worth it. She knows that the wall I put myself behind is for my own good, she doesn't blame me for it. The girl inside my head thinks that he didn't know what he had, and that he's kicking himself for loosing me. She knows I'm amazing. She knows I'm a good person. She tells me I didn't do anything wrong. Most of all, she knows I deserved to be loved loyally.
I just wish my doubts, fears, and my past didn't drown that girl out.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Worthy
Sometimes, I don't know what I'm worth anymore. I work hard. I work my ass off for my grades. I don't have a whole lot of friends, but the one's I do have are amazing. I make straight A's, always. Sometimes, that doesn't seem to be worth a whole lot.
Everything thats ever happened to me makes me want to believe I've been a shitty girlfriend. I've been told I'm not worth anything but sex. And those that don't say it out loud, scream it with their actions. Most recently, I wasn't worth the work of a long distance relationship. Without sex, I wasn't worth working for. So he cheated. So he left me. So he started dating someone local.
What am I worth? I guess I'm smart. But I work harder for my good grades than a lot of other people do. Maybe I'm not smart. Although I've been told many a time otherwise, I believe I'm pretty. A medium 5'4", and an average 125-130 pounds. I'm a natural blonde, and I particularly like my green eyes. Maybe I'm not a babe, but I'm no hag either. I don't flaunt my body, or wear slutty clothes. But I don't hide it under a burlap sack. I don't want attention because of my body. I want attention because I'm pretty, intelligent, funny. Is it too much to ask a guy to like me for me?
Sometimes I can't believe whats happened to me. If I think about it too much, I don't know why I get out of beds in the mornings. What spurs me to keep going? I haven't got any motivation left. I'm doing everything for other people. Because doing things for me doesn't seem worth it. Why am I worth it? I'm not. College is for my parents, my family. Getting up in the mornings is for my friends. I've got nothing left for me. But maybe that's simply because I don't believe I deserve it.
Everything thats ever happened to me makes me want to believe I've been a shitty girlfriend. I've been told I'm not worth anything but sex. And those that don't say it out loud, scream it with their actions. Most recently, I wasn't worth the work of a long distance relationship. Without sex, I wasn't worth working for. So he cheated. So he left me. So he started dating someone local.
What am I worth? I guess I'm smart. But I work harder for my good grades than a lot of other people do. Maybe I'm not smart. Although I've been told many a time otherwise, I believe I'm pretty. A medium 5'4", and an average 125-130 pounds. I'm a natural blonde, and I particularly like my green eyes. Maybe I'm not a babe, but I'm no hag either. I don't flaunt my body, or wear slutty clothes. But I don't hide it under a burlap sack. I don't want attention because of my body. I want attention because I'm pretty, intelligent, funny. Is it too much to ask a guy to like me for me?
Sometimes I can't believe whats happened to me. If I think about it too much, I don't know why I get out of beds in the mornings. What spurs me to keep going? I haven't got any motivation left. I'm doing everything for other people. Because doing things for me doesn't seem worth it. Why am I worth it? I'm not. College is for my parents, my family. Getting up in the mornings is for my friends. I've got nothing left for me. But maybe that's simply because I don't believe I deserve it.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Crazy Ideas
So, I've decided that when my life hits a turn for the worse, I find ways to start completely over. To cope, I find something drastic, something crazy to do. Its how I get over things.
I'm considering joining the army. Or, at the very least, joining ROTC until i finish college. It could get me scholarship money. I'd have to pledge four years of service though, but I'd be an officer. They have programs that will pay for my masters as well.
Joining the military is something I never thought I would do. It's not something I ever thought I would even consider. But now, the more I think about it, the more appealing it is.
No one else in my family has or will serve. My dad had a medical exemption from being drafted, and my little brother also, would be medically exempt. I'm the only one in the family eligible to serve. The patriotic thing to do would be for me to represent my country and honor my family.
I don't know what to do. I want to talk to someone, but I have no idea who. I'm not scheduled to see a counselor for two weeks, and there's no one I can talk to. No one who would understand, who would listen.
I can't take any more abuse here. I've dealt with enough, and I'm sick of it. I'm tired of trying to be strong. I'm tired of trying to pretend like everything is okay all the time. Everything isn't okay. I'm falling apart on the inside.
I'm considering joining the army. Or, at the very least, joining ROTC until i finish college. It could get me scholarship money. I'd have to pledge four years of service though, but I'd be an officer. They have programs that will pay for my masters as well.
Joining the military is something I never thought I would do. It's not something I ever thought I would even consider. But now, the more I think about it, the more appealing it is.
No one else in my family has or will serve. My dad had a medical exemption from being drafted, and my little brother also, would be medically exempt. I'm the only one in the family eligible to serve. The patriotic thing to do would be for me to represent my country and honor my family.
I don't know what to do. I want to talk to someone, but I have no idea who. I'm not scheduled to see a counselor for two weeks, and there's no one I can talk to. No one who would understand, who would listen.
I can't take any more abuse here. I've dealt with enough, and I'm sick of it. I'm tired of trying to be strong. I'm tired of trying to pretend like everything is okay all the time. Everything isn't okay. I'm falling apart on the inside.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Drown the World in Noise
My head and my heart are colliding, chaotic
Pace of the world
I just wish I could stop it
Try to appear like I've got it together
falling apart
There are places i'll remember all my life though some have changed some forever not for better....
Dont carry the world upon your shoulders.
Some have gone and some remain all these places have their moments....
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool by making his world a little colder.
He wasn't a child, And all the people hurried fast, real fast, And no one ever smiled.
Little darling, i feel that ice is slowly melting. little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear....
I want you to notice
When Im not around
Youre so fuckin special
I wish I was special....
Sometimes I fear that I might dissapear
In the blur of fast forward I faulter again
Forgetting to breathe, I need to sleep
getting nowhere
I'll tell a story, paint you a picture from my past.
I was so happy, but joy in this life seldom lasts.....
The anger swells in my guts and I won't feel these slices and cuts.....
I cannot pretend that I felt any regret cause each broken heart will eventually mend
there may still be others but i like to pretend
that I'm the one you really want to grow old with
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread.....
And then he climbed my tower, and off of the edge of me he ran.....
But Im a creep, Im a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I dont belong here.....
All that I've missed I see in the reflection
Passed me while I wasn't paying attention
Tired of rushing, racing and running
falling apart
Someday you will be loved
will i ever come first? the universe contracts decide
Let me have it all, let me have a battle on, Easy target
Look can we just, just get it over with.
It's getting worse, against all the odds, It's getting worse.
He wasn't a child
And all the people hurried fast, real fast
And no one ever smiled
Would you please take me away from this place
I cannot bear to see the look upon your faces
And if there is some kind of god do you think he's pleased?
The noise of the world is getting me caught up
Chasing the clock and I wish I could stop it
Just need to breathe, somebody please
Slow me down
Do you mind if I sit here down by your graveside
And rest for a while in the warm summer sun
I've been walking all day, and I'm nearly done
Pace of the world
I just wish I could stop it
Try to appear like I've got it together
falling apart
There are places i'll remember all my life though some have changed some forever not for better....
Dont carry the world upon your shoulders.
Some have gone and some remain all these places have their moments....
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool by making his world a little colder.
He wasn't a child, And all the people hurried fast, real fast, And no one ever smiled.
Little darling, i feel that ice is slowly melting. little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear....
I want you to notice
When Im not around
Youre so fuckin special
I wish I was special....
Sometimes I fear that I might dissapear
In the blur of fast forward I faulter again
Forgetting to breathe, I need to sleep
getting nowhere
I'll tell a story, paint you a picture from my past.
I was so happy, but joy in this life seldom lasts.....
The anger swells in my guts and I won't feel these slices and cuts.....
I cannot pretend that I felt any regret cause each broken heart will eventually mend
there may still be others but i like to pretend
that I'm the one you really want to grow old with
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread.....
And then he climbed my tower, and off of the edge of me he ran.....
But Im a creep, Im a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I dont belong here.....
All that I've missed I see in the reflection
Passed me while I wasn't paying attention
Tired of rushing, racing and running
falling apart
Someday you will be loved
will i ever come first? the universe contracts decide
Let me have it all, let me have a battle on, Easy target
Look can we just, just get it over with.
It's getting worse, against all the odds, It's getting worse.
He wasn't a child
And all the people hurried fast, real fast
And no one ever smiled
Would you please take me away from this place
I cannot bear to see the look upon your faces
And if there is some kind of god do you think he's pleased?
The noise of the world is getting me caught up
Chasing the clock and I wish I could stop it
Just need to breathe, somebody please
Slow me down
Do you mind if I sit here down by your graveside
And rest for a while in the warm summer sun
I've been walking all day, and I'm nearly done
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
I am. . .
I am NOT:
Someone to take for granted.
Someone you can use and then loose.
The girl who gives up.
The girl who sits on the sidelines.
Someone you forget easily.
a victim.
I AM:
Hot.
quiet, but fun.
sometimes afraid of things.
a survivor.
I have:
a hot body.
a good head on my shoulders.
my dignity.
I Deserve:
The best.
To be loved.
To know the truth.
Someone to take for granted.
Someone you can use and then loose.
The girl who gives up.
The girl who sits on the sidelines.
Someone you forget easily.
a victim.
I AM:
Hot.
quiet, but fun.
sometimes afraid of things.
a survivor.
I have:
a hot body.
a good head on my shoulders.
my dignity.
I Deserve:
The best.
To be loved.
To know the truth.
Monday, February 22, 2010
This is Me
Some call you a survivor. Some call you a victim.
I've owned a lot of names. Strong, ugly, beautiful, nerd, bitch, smart, funny, quiet. It makes it hard to figure out who you really are.
I'm not self conscious. I like my body. I'm not fond of my ears, but who doesn't have a quirk they don't like? I've never been popular. I've never had a lot of friends. The friends I have though are the greatest. I don't feel guilty grabbing two slices of pizza when the girl next to me orders a salad. I'm not afraid to tell people what I think. My diplomacy switch is usually turned off. If I have something to say to you, I'm gonna say it, and not behind your back. I'm straightforward, and I don't care if you don't like me.
People say they envy my strength. I don't think I'm strong really, just good at hiding my weakness. I have my collection of masks. I can hide behind a smile when I need to. Show a lion your weakness, and that's where he bites first. I'm no limping gazelle.
I feel like I've admitted defeat. People tell me all I need is a little help. Not everyone can stand on their own forever. The Walk to the counseling center was the hardest walk of my life. I was being crushed. Who knew it would be so terrifying.
I've been afraid for a long time.
I broke down. Flat out bawling. This shouldn't be so hard. I've had my time to deal with my problems. Its not my fault things keep happening to make them surface. Normally I'd be able to survive on my own. But when life comes crashing down around you, trying to be strong and hold the sky up at the same time is impossible. I'm no titan. Atlas would be so ashamed.
Sometimes, we shouldn't be asked to hold up the world on our own.
I've owned a lot of names. Strong, ugly, beautiful, nerd, bitch, smart, funny, quiet. It makes it hard to figure out who you really are.
I'm not self conscious. I like my body. I'm not fond of my ears, but who doesn't have a quirk they don't like? I've never been popular. I've never had a lot of friends. The friends I have though are the greatest. I don't feel guilty grabbing two slices of pizza when the girl next to me orders a salad. I'm not afraid to tell people what I think. My diplomacy switch is usually turned off. If I have something to say to you, I'm gonna say it, and not behind your back. I'm straightforward, and I don't care if you don't like me.
People say they envy my strength. I don't think I'm strong really, just good at hiding my weakness. I have my collection of masks. I can hide behind a smile when I need to. Show a lion your weakness, and that's where he bites first. I'm no limping gazelle.
I feel like I've admitted defeat. People tell me all I need is a little help. Not everyone can stand on their own forever. The Walk to the counseling center was the hardest walk of my life. I was being crushed. Who knew it would be so terrifying.
I've been afraid for a long time.
I broke down. Flat out bawling. This shouldn't be so hard. I've had my time to deal with my problems. Its not my fault things keep happening to make them surface. Normally I'd be able to survive on my own. But when life comes crashing down around you, trying to be strong and hold the sky up at the same time is impossible. I'm no titan. Atlas would be so ashamed.
Sometimes, we shouldn't be asked to hold up the world on our own.
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